i wanted to post something meaningful and interesting. But i realized there is no point to blogging if its not the barebones truth. Or the big fat truth. Out comes my vanity.
i cant stop thinking about my weight. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and i feel like hacking of bits of myself just to be skinnier. Im technically overweight and my clothes dont fit right. And i hate my reflection...and i hate to move because i can feel it. I started losing a bit till i got this new birth control put in and now i have gone up a few pounds and evened out. I cant go down. I feel panicky...i feel depressed..i feel a pain in my stomach when i think about it. Its not healthy for my frame and its not ME. I'm desperate. I cant have another kid...im too tired. but my weight makes me want to stop eating. I dont know what to do. And thats the truth. Right now i dont feel thankful.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
stupid freaking (garbled obscenity)
i just spent the last hour trying to figure out mobile blogger and i had no luck. Whats worse is i dont know WHY i had no luck. Stupid blogger.com. anyways. I had a near brush with calamity when i thought my inlaws were trying to visit at the same time as my parents. Turned out to be evil scheming that hadnt reached my stepfather inlaw yet. Crisis averted. tomorrow i MUST clean and make a semi homemade pie. But the true test is the day after. Egads and im all on my own. I'm excited though. Its miss Ava's first set of holidays. And matthews first with his daddy. It should be pretty awesome.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Dkjfiwksdkd
haha i feel like the title. Scrambled. Braindead. But in a happy clueless sort of way. Dumb equals happy. i drank an energy drink, cuz I forgot i had tons of caffeine in an energy supplement earlier. So now its late and here I lay. WIDE AWAKE. I watched sleepy hollow tonight. That was cool. I like weird things like that. Now i must post before my phone wont let me anymore.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
shorts
im having to keep these short because now im blogging on my phone. Basic update, im sick, im worn out, and i cant wait for christmas! i'll try to post this and see if the page expired on me.
Monday, November 10, 2008
watchfully wait for wisdom
I'm supposed to get my hair done today. and hubby and best bud are out running errands. she had a few things to do and no car, and he had things to do, (and a car) so I'm wondering when the hell they are getting home! I can wait for days for something, but when I expected it earlier than it comes, I become an unbearable whiner. I want things to happen on a schedule, I cant stand waiting past an allotted time, I hate for plans to change. (this explains my fury at the doctor who wouldnt give me a ballpark number on how long I would have to be in labor before I was ready to push baby girl out)
hubby left five hours ago, ran his errands, picked up girl bud, and took her to the social security office. she has to change her last name on her social security. I keep telling people, "Do it right when you get married!" DUH. I have been waiting to get my hair cut and colored for...uh....MONTHS. and I cant do it until they get home! I hate waiting. and who know that a messed up color job on your hair and four inches of fried ends could make EVERY day a bad day??? it seriously makes me doubt myself overall, not just my hair!
I just got done babysitting two kids overnight. two spoiled kids overnight. two unruly, unchecked, undisciplined spoiled kids overnight. LAST TIME. there was an eight month old who wasnt that bad, but he wanted to be held and babied and fed AT ALL TIMES, and I have a baby of my own who needs mommy once in awhile. the other child....well. she's two and a half. she is an angry, selfish, unkind kid. I didnt think kids had mean spirits....but she does. she pushes, hits, throws, steals......name it. we had to tie a string on the guest bedroom door handle, tie it to another doors hinge, and tie it TIGHT so that she would stay in the room for naptime and bedtime. there were a few times those few days that I really thought I (or she) wouldnt make it.
and thats the end of things I have to say I think. other than I'm depressed about my weight, but what else is new? and who wants to hear it...because its my fault/responsibility. which is even more depressing. hah.
hubby left five hours ago, ran his errands, picked up girl bud, and took her to the social security office. she has to change her last name on her social security. I keep telling people, "Do it right when you get married!" DUH. I have been waiting to get my hair cut and colored for...uh....MONTHS. and I cant do it until they get home! I hate waiting. and who know that a messed up color job on your hair and four inches of fried ends could make EVERY day a bad day??? it seriously makes me doubt myself overall, not just my hair!
I just got done babysitting two kids overnight. two spoiled kids overnight. two unruly, unchecked, undisciplined spoiled kids overnight. LAST TIME. there was an eight month old who wasnt that bad, but he wanted to be held and babied and fed AT ALL TIMES, and I have a baby of my own who needs mommy once in awhile. the other child....well. she's two and a half. she is an angry, selfish, unkind kid. I didnt think kids had mean spirits....but she does. she pushes, hits, throws, steals......name it. we had to tie a string on the guest bedroom door handle, tie it to another doors hinge, and tie it TIGHT so that she would stay in the room for naptime and bedtime. there were a few times those few days that I really thought I (or she) wouldnt make it.
and thats the end of things I have to say I think. other than I'm depressed about my weight, but what else is new? and who wants to hear it...because its my fault/responsibility. which is even more depressing. hah.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
death, destruction, the fall of man...and my heart is breaking
today is my twenty first birthday. and I have been crying for the past few days. someone really amazing died...I have been under a weight of sadness for my husband, who still struggles with the pain of his parents selfishness, and the country I love chose death for the unborn, punishment for the earnest and diligent worker, and contempt for true freedom. I am heartbroken.
what am I giving my children?? I feel like I was selfish to have them. I feel like I bore them into a time of sadness. I want to write down the introduction that Max Lucado wrote in my bible before the book of Jeremiah. It makes me cry every time I read it, and it sums up how I feel about America's church today, its failings, and its foolishness.
"No church would hire jeremiah. He wouldnt make it past the first interview. Better still, he wouldnt even make it to the interview.
he had little stomach for organized religion. One can hardly blame him. what he saw would nauseate the worst of us.
He saw raging immorality. He saw blatant idolatry. He saw unbridled hypocrisy. He saw priests who sold out to the highest bidder. he saw kings who lived out his worst nightmare.
Were his head a niagra, it wouldnt generate enough tears for him to weep. like Job, he cursed the day he was born, and again, you can hardly blame him. it was a rotten day in which to live.
He could see the writing on the Babylonian wall, but you'd think he was the only one who knew how to read.
in the end, the walls fell, just like he said. the temple was raided, just like he prophesied. and the people were bound like slaves and led into Babylon.
to his credit, he never said, "I told you so."
He remained behind and walked among the ruins and did what he did most of his life. He wept."
I feel like the Jeremiah of my age group sometimes. I'm the only one who believes there is NO time that it is ok to kill an unborn human. NO circumstance, NO medical emergency. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming that we are about to lose it all, and everyone around me is holding out their wrists joyfully to be bound.
I am scared for my children.
what am I giving my children?? I feel like I was selfish to have them. I feel like I bore them into a time of sadness. I want to write down the introduction that Max Lucado wrote in my bible before the book of Jeremiah. It makes me cry every time I read it, and it sums up how I feel about America's church today, its failings, and its foolishness.
"No church would hire jeremiah. He wouldnt make it past the first interview. Better still, he wouldnt even make it to the interview.
he had little stomach for organized religion. One can hardly blame him. what he saw would nauseate the worst of us.
He saw raging immorality. He saw blatant idolatry. He saw unbridled hypocrisy. He saw priests who sold out to the highest bidder. he saw kings who lived out his worst nightmare.
Were his head a niagra, it wouldnt generate enough tears for him to weep. like Job, he cursed the day he was born, and again, you can hardly blame him. it was a rotten day in which to live.
He could see the writing on the Babylonian wall, but you'd think he was the only one who knew how to read.
in the end, the walls fell, just like he said. the temple was raided, just like he prophesied. and the people were bound like slaves and led into Babylon.
to his credit, he never said, "I told you so."
He remained behind and walked among the ruins and did what he did most of his life. He wept."
I feel like the Jeremiah of my age group sometimes. I'm the only one who believes there is NO time that it is ok to kill an unborn human. NO circumstance, NO medical emergency. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming that we are about to lose it all, and everyone around me is holding out their wrists joyfully to be bound.
I am scared for my children.
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