I am convinced that most people who divorce have not had enough forced absences while their marriage was still "fun".
its amazing to me how after tons of stress and fighting and irritation, after a month of separation, with weeks at a time of no communication at all, my hubby's voice becomes the most comforting sound in the world. he called me this morning after about two weeks with no word.
by the time I hung up, which was only after about seven minutes, I couldnt stop my eyes from squeezing out a few tears because I was so relieved to hear from him. other people are wounded where he is, but thankfully he doesnt seem to be.
it was so good to hear from him.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
contemplating human interaction
Why should we have relationships with people who make us miserable and bring out the worst in us?
this thought has been in my head, and its argued itself in circles. perhaps its not right to close yourself off from that kind of unwanted relationship because God wants you in it to teach you something. your supposed to be around someone who brings out your worst....to teach you to control yourself and put forth your best. perhaps....
but then, that sounds an awful lot like "missionary dating" or hanging out with people who are terrible influences. and we all know what a crock that is. the person with principles ends up compromising, not the other way around. just like the person trying to be civil and maintain some grace is the person who ends up losing their cool in the face of constant irritation. so should we remove ourselves from people like that? or should we continue to fight it out, losing our tempers, apologizing, trying to overlook, then losing our tempers again. personally I'd rather be far away.
and what if these people are family? is it all right to distance yourself from blood? is the family tie more important, or our emotional wellbeing and peace of mind?
I told you it argues itself into a circle......
this thought has been in my head, and its argued itself in circles. perhaps its not right to close yourself off from that kind of unwanted relationship because God wants you in it to teach you something. your supposed to be around someone who brings out your worst....to teach you to control yourself and put forth your best. perhaps....
but then, that sounds an awful lot like "missionary dating" or hanging out with people who are terrible influences. and we all know what a crock that is. the person with principles ends up compromising, not the other way around. just like the person trying to be civil and maintain some grace is the person who ends up losing their cool in the face of constant irritation. so should we remove ourselves from people like that? or should we continue to fight it out, losing our tempers, apologizing, trying to overlook, then losing our tempers again. personally I'd rather be far away.
and what if these people are family? is it all right to distance yourself from blood? is the family tie more important, or our emotional wellbeing and peace of mind?
I told you it argues itself into a circle......
Sunday, June 28, 2009
classics
I was reading a list of classics, of which I have only read about a fourth. which makes me feel kind of ignorant. then I see how many of them I started and couldnt finish because they were so stupid. like Jane Austin's Emma. Emma is a person who I would have punched after five seconds in her company. I got about eight chapters in and basically put the book down thinking, "this bitch is ANNOYING!"
so then I decided....it doesnt matter if you read the classics. because the real reason books exist is for the author. even if no one ever reads what you write, you are writing what you want to read......so in essense a finished work has already served its purpose, even if no one else likes it. because the author likes it. I am writing a story. and there is very little chance it will ever be published. but I am enjoying writing it. its a story exactly like I want to read, and I can make it that way because I control every word. and nobody else is stupid because they havent read it. I'm not writing it to have it read...I'm writing it for ME.
but what about great christian books with a moral? you say? well, pull a Paul. write a bloody letter. thats what a message is right? and if you write a hundred letters, maybe they'll be published. but if someone is just writing a book, chances are they are writing it because its in their head and its begging to be on paper. and the author enjoys doing it!
and if I read a classic and I like it, what a gift. but if I dont like it, if I dont read it, it doesnt matter. the whole point is, the author needed to write it down wether someone ever read it or not. and thats how I now view books. its like, paper with a few gifts in it. some people cant get any if the gifts from the book...others find dozens. the author probably found millions.
so then I decided....it doesnt matter if you read the classics. because the real reason books exist is for the author. even if no one ever reads what you write, you are writing what you want to read......so in essense a finished work has already served its purpose, even if no one else likes it. because the author likes it. I am writing a story. and there is very little chance it will ever be published. but I am enjoying writing it. its a story exactly like I want to read, and I can make it that way because I control every word. and nobody else is stupid because they havent read it. I'm not writing it to have it read...I'm writing it for ME.
but what about great christian books with a moral? you say? well, pull a Paul. write a bloody letter. thats what a message is right? and if you write a hundred letters, maybe they'll be published. but if someone is just writing a book, chances are they are writing it because its in their head and its begging to be on paper. and the author enjoys doing it!
and if I read a classic and I like it, what a gift. but if I dont like it, if I dont read it, it doesnt matter. the whole point is, the author needed to write it down wether someone ever read it or not. and thats how I now view books. its like, paper with a few gifts in it. some people cant get any if the gifts from the book...others find dozens. the author probably found millions.
slow coffee
coffee takes too long to brew when you feel like death. most days are like this...which is why I quit blogging for so long. theres nothing to say except I'm sick of being alone. theres cleaning to do. errands to run. bills to pay. kids to take care of. and its all my responsiblity. I'm tired. I want to lay down and sleep forever. a really good word lately is Listless. I relate.
theres a scene in a movie called "serenity". a group of scientists puts people on a planet, then pumps a chemical into the air to weed out aggression. it works to frightening proportions. the people stop eating, stop going to work, stop breeding, stop fighting, stop caring. they all just lay down and let themselves die. sometimes that whole idea just sounds beautiful to me. just lay down and quit. it would be lovely.
I cant sleep at night, and then I cant wake up in the morning. which is when my kids want to be up and eating and playing and getting attention. thats what you call Ironic....
theres a scene in a movie called "serenity". a group of scientists puts people on a planet, then pumps a chemical into the air to weed out aggression. it works to frightening proportions. the people stop eating, stop going to work, stop breeding, stop fighting, stop caring. they all just lay down and let themselves die. sometimes that whole idea just sounds beautiful to me. just lay down and quit. it would be lovely.
I cant sleep at night, and then I cant wake up in the morning. which is when my kids want to be up and eating and playing and getting attention. thats what you call Ironic....
Friday, June 26, 2009
my yesterday
had an appt with the kids, then wendy's! the kids ran around the place and terrorized people while I tried desperately to gulp down my lunch.
tried to stop at the post office but I took too long to eat so it was closed. I need stamps! oh well, another day when I'm in that area. which is never. or rarely.
then I came home and after putting the kids to bed, sat down to draw myself. I abandoned it unfinished. its no fun to draw yourself. theres no new features to study, and theres lots of flaws that you have to faithfully reproduce. no thank you! now, late tho it may be in the day already. I NEED to go have a cup of coffee.
I'm blogging again each day in the interest of consistency, but subject matter is hard to come by! I'll try to think of interesting topics.
tried to stop at the post office but I took too long to eat so it was closed. I need stamps! oh well, another day when I'm in that area. which is never. or rarely.
then I came home and after putting the kids to bed, sat down to draw myself. I abandoned it unfinished. its no fun to draw yourself. theres no new features to study, and theres lots of flaws that you have to faithfully reproduce. no thank you! now, late tho it may be in the day already. I NEED to go have a cup of coffee.
I'm blogging again each day in the interest of consistency, but subject matter is hard to come by! I'll try to think of interesting topics.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
peeking out my window
ok I've been gone forever. I have good excuses tho. here they go.
first, the computer stopped letting me log into certain sites. and this was one of them.
then, Mike deployed.
then, ava got croup
then, matthew got an ear infection
then, I got sick
then, ava played with a flathead screwdriver and went to the emergency room for sliced open forehead.
those are my excuses. anyways, here I am.
I also havent written because I have been in a morbid mood for the past month. my husband is gone, my kids keep getting sick, I'm very lonely, and rarely feeling bright and cheerful. my sense of humor has swung over to the pithy, dark humor I take on when I feel like life is unbearable. its ok though, its a coping mechanism for me. I deal with feeling hopeless by making really morbid jokes about it. it truly amuses me. and it helps. for example.
Dear Deployment,
I hate your guts. you should die in ugly painful way, choking and screaming. your meu's are a joke and your modes of communication are an insult to technology. since I never get to talk to my husband, you might as well give him the message that I love him and miss him. you piece of crap.
with absolutely no well wishes, Carol.
see now? thats funny. and twisted. and it helps.
I'm watching the seeds I planted in my flower beds carefully. they are taking absolutely forever to grow, especially when I'm on my knees watching them intently for several minutes each day.
good news, my fantastic friend had her baby, her baby is beautiful and fat and sweet and kind of ornery like her parents.
other than that, I get up every day, I make breakfast, the kids basically paint the kitchen with it, they get down and play, I change diapers, nap time, I try to pick up, they up, more diapers, more cooking, more mess, more playing...and so on till bed. at which point I fall into it exhausted aaaaannnnnnddddd......lay there completely unable to sleep. fantastic huh? I know I know...everyone wants to be me. ;)
first, the computer stopped letting me log into certain sites. and this was one of them.
then, Mike deployed.
then, ava got croup
then, matthew got an ear infection
then, I got sick
then, ava played with a flathead screwdriver and went to the emergency room for sliced open forehead.
those are my excuses. anyways, here I am.
I also havent written because I have been in a morbid mood for the past month. my husband is gone, my kids keep getting sick, I'm very lonely, and rarely feeling bright and cheerful. my sense of humor has swung over to the pithy, dark humor I take on when I feel like life is unbearable. its ok though, its a coping mechanism for me. I deal with feeling hopeless by making really morbid jokes about it. it truly amuses me. and it helps. for example.
Dear Deployment,
I hate your guts. you should die in ugly painful way, choking and screaming. your meu's are a joke and your modes of communication are an insult to technology. since I never get to talk to my husband, you might as well give him the message that I love him and miss him. you piece of crap.
with absolutely no well wishes, Carol.
see now? thats funny. and twisted. and it helps.
I'm watching the seeds I planted in my flower beds carefully. they are taking absolutely forever to grow, especially when I'm on my knees watching them intently for several minutes each day.
good news, my fantastic friend had her baby, her baby is beautiful and fat and sweet and kind of ornery like her parents.
other than that, I get up every day, I make breakfast, the kids basically paint the kitchen with it, they get down and play, I change diapers, nap time, I try to pick up, they up, more diapers, more cooking, more mess, more playing...and so on till bed. at which point I fall into it exhausted aaaaannnnnnddddd......lay there completely unable to sleep. fantastic huh? I know I know...everyone wants to be me. ;)
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