headachey

here is a better picture of that first painting. I got my digital camera working so the pictures are turning out better than the ones I took on my phone.



this picture here is the new one I just did. I dont know that I'm finished with it completely...we'll see how I feel once I've seen it around for awhile.


its a slow morning, we were up late night and I have a headache. my little man saw that the pack of diapers was right in front of the rocking chair and used it as a stepstool to get up and sit in the chair. he's done it a few times in the last few minutes, and every time he gets up there he looks pretty pleased with himself. right now he is standing in front of me with a plastic piece to an airsoft gun, and he thinks its a cellphone I guess cuz he keeps holding it up to his ear and talking into it.

two nights ago hubby and I went to a san diego Padre's game. someone in his unit didnt pick up their tickets from some other guy in the unit, so hubby spoke up and said he wanted them and we got our neighbor to babysit and we went to a baseball game. :) my hubby doesnt even care of baseball but we had a REALLY good time. I was really excited when he told me he had tickets because around here there isnt much to do...we usually go to a movie or out to eat for dates, but in a movie you dont talk much with each other, and dinner....well....I'm married to a marine. he wolfs down his food and then looks bored until I'm done eating. its not a great method of bonding for us. it was way more fun to get ballpark hotdogs and nachos and coke, sit way up in the cheapo section, people watch....cheer when the padres made any of their whole four points...(the other team won with nine) it was fun. hubby ran into quite a few marines he knew, plus he saw a guy he thought he knew...went up and talked to him, and figured out he went to highschool with the guy back in oregon. this guy joined the navy. it was a really fun night.

the little guy is reading a book to himself, right by where his daddy is passed out on the floor, (its a hot day) and baby sister is a few feet away from them playing with a toy. and by playing with I mean eating. they all look pretty cute.

new things

I went out last night with heather to go to the mall. but it was seven, and everything but macy's was closed! on a saturday night. so then we went to two places that are open WAY later, and places better worth the stop I think. first we went to michaels and she got sketch stuff, her preferred medium, and I got canvas, some new brushes, and one of those palette things to mix my paints on. I think I used to have one but this one has little cuppies in it, its not just flat which is helpful. I am now in the middle of a new painting. anyways then we went to barnes and noble and I walked around the seventy five percent off tables and got myself three books I've never heard of before. which brings me to what I really wanted to write about.

the book I started reminds me ALOT of someone I know, and stories she has told of her mother. the girl in this book feels her mother is a little crazy. her mother is catholic, and went a bit off the deep end when her father died when she was young. she sunk half a bathtub into the ground and left the faucet end up so that she could stick a statue of mary inside it and make a grotto. I believe thats what its called.
this daughter has not been home to see her mother in seven years, because everything feels to frustrating and painful....and in the story when she goes back home she is standing in her mothers kitchen looking at BEIGE everything. she states that her mother didnt believe in color on the inside of a house...she said her mothers life was drained of any color and feeling, all that was left was religious rituals and hail marys ...and her home reflected the drabness.
in the beginning of the story she travels home because she gets a call that her mother calmly and purposely chopped off her own index finger...and when the daughter finds her mother upon coming home, she is outside at the base of a statue of a saint, burying her finger in the dirt.
maybe the person I am thinking of will wonder who she is because I have it wrong and this isnt at all like her mother. like I said I have just heard stories, but if you know who you are, every sentence I read in this book reminds me of you!

morning post

I'm listening to a gothic female fronted rock group called "within temptation". the song says "stand my ground, I wont give in...no more denying..I gotta face it. wont close my eyes and hide the truth inside.." I dont know what area in my life that makes me feel strong about, but it makes me feel strong about SOMETHING just the same.

I didnt exercise much yesterday like I was supposed to. I played some Dance Dance Revolution which is constant movement, but I only played for about ten minutes. my problem is that my workouts are CARDIO! how in the world do I go out and walk and jog with two children, and how in my postage stamp of a living room do I walk and jog for thirty minutes and still feel the least bit motivated??

if you are a mother you have got to go buy the Plumb cd "blink". every song is written about her children, and purposefully meant to parallel God's parent love. they are the most beautiful lullabyes written straight from the heart of a mother of two small children. just about every song makes me want to cry. (Dad dont tell mom I'm writing this and dont tell her about the cd. I have something up my sleeve with it. shh!)

I feel desperate for color. for gardens, flowers...trees! oh god oh god I want tall trees! I bought myself a cyclamen plant but I dont know if I'll be able to keep it alive. my geraniums are thriving but I can only see them from a select spot in the house because of how tiny both my house and porch are, and how few windows I have. and I dont have any good lawn furniture with an umbrella or something to create a nice place to sit out with my flowers. and I love hot drinks outdoors! its so muggy and hot here right now...I just want to drink some tea and see some clouds without it feeling like the air is thick and wet at the same time. its making me cranky. either that or its my baby girl screaming in her swing. sometimes she just goes forever and I dont know what to do for her! I fed her three times this morning before I even got out of bed for good....I changed her diaper...she is just clingy. I need a moment of clarity once in awhile...three seconds without my arms full of SOMETHING.

I miss playing pool with Bet and Anna. I miss the fancy dinners my mom makes on tuesday night....I'm feeling a little homesick and dissatisfied. mostly because we are moving in two and half weeks and ever day it feels like I get even more bogged down in the mess and disorganization around here...the walls seem to close in on me. as the boy gets bigger his world expands and this house isnt big enough for his messes and exploration..and baby girl's swing takes up a bunch of space....in order to make room I'd have to start tossing my bookshelves and my books and just because I dont have time to read them now doesnt mean I dont want them for my family later! and now I'm rambling so I figure I'm out of important things to say.

Self

I was asked what workout plan I'm doing. I'm embarrassed to answer. heh. ok so hubby went out for a few groceries...as in he wanted hot wings that you put in your oven, and I told him to get me a magazine. I hate to admit but magazines is where I show my shallow pink streaks. I love looking at clothes and hairstyles and makeup. well he picked up Self magazine which I had never thought to get, and it had four different "reach your goal" workout plans. one of them is working up to being able to run three miles easily. I know to some people *coughtmyhusbandcough* think that is a piece of cake and laugh at me, I cant run more than a minute at a time. another workout is to help take off some baby weight. thats the one I'm doing, and I saved the magazine because there are recipes for healthy food, and different mini workouts tat tone certain things if I choose to do them. I'm not a health fanatic, I'm NOT a workout fanatic. I am a couch potato, and nothing I do every day gets any blood pumping in my system, and I'm gaining the babyweight I lost back.....I feel sluggish all day...I feel depressed and unhealthy. so this is my attempt to get on a schedule and become a happier healthier person.

today is grocery shopping day. eck. I dont want to. the commissary is my nemisis. its so crowded and exhausting, and they dont sell in bulk so its a real pain to try to stock up on things. I have to get the babies their naps, feed them their lunch, and get out of here so I can have them back down for their afternoon nap by four. its gonna be a pain. in the meantime I need to find something to eat for breakfast because I'm losing my energy by starving to death!

my babies

I'm watching my little man play with his little driver toy. its got a steering wheel, a key in its ignition, it plays music and has little buttons and gadgets. he looks so chubby all hunched over it, playing with the shifter. it makes a squealing noise like your slamming on your brakes. baby girl is on her tummy watching him, right at his feet. in fact she just reached out and grabbed his toes. she grins at him alot....for some reason he really amuses her. he hasnt been giving me kisses lately, he's been too busy playing. he's in hypergrowth mode I think because it just feels like he's all over the place.

baby girl is teething I think because I try to nurse her and she cries and cries and bites her fingers. she's happier now that I gave her some tylenol.

I complain alot about my husband and about my life. I feel terrible about that. I also wish he would grow up sometimes...but I feel like a piece of crap when I see him trying sooo hard. he wants to be mature and he wants me to think he's a good husband and a good father. he really is. he's human and he acts 20 alot. but I'm 20 too, and if I stood outside of myself I might see more immaturity than I thought I had. that scares me a little. how embarrassing it would be if he shone that spotlight on me the way I tend to do on him. he's a good guy and I really respect him and I'm happier with my life than I feel on the surface. day to day i feel sluggish and cranky and I bitch and moan. its my own fault.....I dont exercise enough and I dont pay more attention to what I eat or how down i let myself get.

just another thing on my "to work on" list.

new week

I started on a four week long exercise plan that tells you what to do down to the details every time you do it. we'll see how i do. winging it on my own has never worked so i thought it was time to try a different tack. considering i'm gaining the baby weight i had lost BACK!
today is exercise B. day before yesterday i did exercise A. and i'm STILL sore. I'm so out of shape its sad.....

final picture

picked up the brushes again.

I finally painted for the first time in over a year. I dont know if its wrong to paint something a photographer got paid to submit to a magazine...but my best paintings come from pictures I see.

I got half of it done before I thought to take pictures.

I tried to send the picture of the finished painting to my email but for some reason its not showing up in my inbox yet, so here is everything leading up to it.

I'm so excited to have a big focal point piece to hang up in my new house when I get there. its easier to keep a nice house when you start out with organization and the right decorations. I like to take one big piece and build a theme of colors and textures around it.

anyways the painting took me about six hours all together, and of course it kept me up into the night because I cant paint with the babies around. but it was one of those times when I just felt like I had to paint and I picked up the stuff and just did it. and those are the times when it turns out beautifully after a year and a half of failed attempts. I feel really excited to know I still am me. since I had my little guy I was starting to wonder if I had even a speck of talent left. none of this is tooting my own horn. different people have different abilities and mine was always in anything that had to do with art or music or anything that took imagination and creation....but it all takes creative energy...and I lost mine. I probably wont see any of it again for quite awhile but it was nice to get a visit tonight.

anyways, a few stages of my painting below. its huge too, a little over a foot across, and prolly two feet tall, maybe a bit over. I'll put up the picture of the finished painting as soon as my email lets me have it!

you jump, I jump jack.

I made the best pot roast last night. yesterday had the potential to be perfect. I put the kids down at eleven, watched my show with heather, went on a walk with heather and her sister, even jogged for a minute. (literally). then I came in and cleaned my trashed kitchen, and in the middle of the kitchen I just up and got out the crock pot, cut up potatoes and vegetables and fresh garlic and onion, stuck the roast in, seasoned it......turned it on high because it was one oclock. then I finished the kitchen, did laundry, cleaned and vacuumed the living room, unloaded the dishwasher twice...I had it all together! and Mike didnt get to come home till one in the morning. the roast is in the fridge, he hasnt tasted it yet. :( I'm bummed. it was amazing when it was first done. I'm not sure it'll be so good reheated.

today I tried to teach matthew to jump up and down when he's dancing to music, and he cant do it! he sure tries, which is really cute, but he gets so frustrated cuz he cant really get off the ground. hes being quite the stinker today too. into everything, but he does it all with a smile so its hard to be mad at him. he's just so excited about life. what must it be like to have everything be a new discovery....and to not have to work! haha. he just plays all day. except I do exile him to his bed for a total of four hours every day.

nothing to report, sir.

I have nothing to write about. I feel crappy all the time. I really need to get my neck looked at. I'm dying to move now. we are bursting at the seams here.
its saturday freaking night. hubby went out to get redbull like two hours ago. I cant figure out where he is. heather and roger went to pick up heathers sister and brother from the airport. so no fun will start for another hour prollly. :( I'm soooo bored. I'm tired, but its a weekend, the babies are asleep...its such a shame to waste it!

housing update

we are moving on september eight to our new housing area...its like a 2000 square foot house. I'm pretty danged excited. it has a bathroom attached to the master bedroom. that to me is like, the adult perk. only the adults of the house get a master bedroom with an attached bathroom. its pretty cool. I saw the outside of it, it has a big front yard. I dont know yet if it has an enclosed porch or anything where my little man can play but I'll find out. its a little scary, the front yard is right on the road so I'll have to watch him carefully and dole out spankins each time he so much as touches the pavement till he gets the point.
I'm really excited! but I'll miss living right next door to heather. :(

eeeee!

I'm nervous and excited and sad. we are moving really soon. I'm not sure when but they have hubby filling out papers today so its gotta be soon!

found one!

found a BLIP of an intellectual moment. it wasnt huge. it was just a blip, a realization that there is more to explore for me. I was listening to the rebecca st. james song "lion". she says "it feels just like i'm living in the lions mouth...but the lion is an angel."
I took a moment to think of the image it gave me of God as a lion, and the fear of living right near the teeth, but knowing that he would fight FOR me not against me. I had never given three seconds to the lion, protector God. I'm fed up with the wishy washy one, and I feel at odds with the forgiving one, but the lion who stands in front of me in my battles.......that one hadnt even crossed my mind. all these things were just images and feelings in my head, so I know I'm not writing them the way I felt them. I'm doing my best to put it all down here.......but I realized that I liked the image of the warrior the best. it made me feel the best. I know God isnt all about how we feel. but I feel pretty crappy about my relationship with God most of the time, so it was nice to suddenly have these amazing good thoughts and feelings racing around in my head. it made me feel stronger, less afraid.....and it even helped me to skip past the "how can God forgive me" feeling. I'm trying to paint an image. the words "God forgave me" are layered directly behind the lion standing with me to protect me. they are behind it because to see my hero who hauls me through this lifes battles, I have to already know that he forgives me for letting him down over and over and over again.
all that from a split second feeling that got left in the dust when my kid threw his orange slices on the floor.

I was watching my guilty pleasure show "one tree hill" today...it was an entire episode about a kid who felt invisible, walking to school with a gun and holding a whole bunch of the main characters and some smaller characters hostage. it made me really sad. it brought up a few thoughts I've pondered on...
kids can be cruel...and parents need to pay more attention to how their kids treat people.
parents need to pay attention to their child who isnt liked, and teach them why jesus died in the first place
and now my final thought, I really think teachers and principles should be certified to carry a handgun on their person. if a student knows that in every room of the school there is an adult with a weapon who knows how to use it, he'll think twice before picking up a gun and waving it around.
OR....maybe THIS is my final thought. homeschool your freaking kids people.

I made chili, and I cut up garlic and now my hands smell like it. ew.

empty

I am deeply frustrated that I have nothing of value to write. I have no spiritual insights. I have no revelations I discovered while reading the bible. if I can make it through a chapter and process what it is trying to say amidts the babys crying and the phone ringing....its a miracle. and I'm really frustrated about it.
I browse around and read peoples blogs...they all have some interesting verse or thing they are reading in a book by a man who spoke old english when old english was just plain english. and I cant wrap my tired brain around anything they are blogging about. it makes me want to cry. and it makes me want to laugh when I realize I used to be "intellectual" "cerebral"....a thinker. I used to muse over the logic of things. I used to read deep books. or at least books that were so wordy and old that they were hard to read. I do nothing of the sort now. I barely made it through a page in the cookbook tonight. oh...where I was going with how it makes me laugh. it makes me laugh because Bill Cosby said him and his wife were intellectuals before they had children. its so freakin hilarious that its NOT.
all I do is babble about the same housework and cooking and baby stuff EVERY EFFING DAY. or my big news is that I got my nails done! woopdee doo. thats real deep. psht. I started this blog feeling sad and frustrated and now I'm just plain pissy. and my teeth need to be brushed and its bugging the snot out of me. bleck.

funny thing today (here I go again). baby boy was dancing to the end credits of "the jungle book"....and we were laughing at him, and he turned to face me, rolled one eye up back into his head like he was spazzing out, smiled all crooked, and rocked back and forth from foot to foot. and then waited to see if he could get a reaction. I literally fell off the couch laughing. at three months old I knew he was destined to be a raging musical talent. today, at seventeen months old, I know my son is a PERFORMER. he was born to be on the stage, in the spotlight, with the music up so loud it makes ears bleed. thats the way he likes it.

bangs and stuff

heather and I sort of got a day out. we got our nails done, got starbucks, I got a haircut...it was pretty good. until we realized that when we were done with that we had grocery shopping to do in a crowded commissary. so we technically didnt get to just enjoy our day out, we got duped. and we were cranky by the end of it. ah well. its not so bad. I love my nails being done, and having two inches off my hair, new layers and bangs, it all feels way healthier and puts me in a better mood. I used to have a bad hair day every single day. it was dry and matted and I couldnt get a brush through cuz the ends were so nasty. it was realllly depressing.

today I made carrot cake! wish you were here dad. it felt weird making it. I honestly felt like I shouldnt make it unless dad could come have some because my WHOLE life, that has been the "special" cake that only got made for dad. :) I havent tasted it yet, I'm letting the frosting harden on it a bit....but it smells amazing.

I also bought ingredients to make biscotti and chicken pot pie........oh! and guacamole. mmmm. I'm all of a sudden in the mood to bake. which means I must be moving past the "just had a baby zone" and I am slowly getting back to normal! yay!

I bought TONS of fruit. I bought some blueberries because I hear tons of good things about them and I'm nibbling on them little by little every day. my little man is really loving all the fruit. he's in his highchair having a "shammitch" and some orange.

baby girl is very very cranky today...I think her teeth hurt. but I bought her some tylenol. and when all failed and she wouldnt shut up, she got to go watch the teddy bears twirl in her bassinet. :)