Organized chaos.

Once again i bemoan my lack of pictures or colorful anecdotes. i have neither....my imagination is a bit caged up.
i straightened up kitchen and organized a few junk drawers. that lightened my mind a bit. why is it that the clutter of your surroundings creates clutter in your mind and of course the same in reverse?
hubby and i had a lovely anniversary outing. we made a few improvement deals over dairy queen before our movie. one of them was that until january 26 i am not aloud to complain when his family calls him or when he calls them. no matter the circumstances i am to be silent on the issue. there are extreme circumstances of course but you get the drift. he is delighted with the arrangment....i am praying for strength. my goal is to be so used to keeping my peace on the issue after a month that i have learned to be more graceful at all times with it...or i hope he grows some understanding into why their behaviours upset me...or both. we shall see.
then we watched "marley and me" and i cried....and then we had santino's pizza and talked about the next few years and how we are going to handle our new leaf. its scary and exciting.
i found my baby girl on the second step up, attempting to climb the third. ready or not mommy...

Despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage.

I am writing from underneath a pile of laundry, dishes and a carpet full of crumbs. im not keeping up as well as i'd like. im pretty tired too because im sick again...and the minute i start to fall asleep when i have a head cold, i get this weird tickle in my throat. not enough to be a real cough but enough to keep me awake. its very frustrating.
i almost have all my stocking stuffers covered, just one more to go. and ive almost finished another painting...i have a few more limbs of fern to paint and im done. thats pretty exciting.
a few nights ago i was watching "one tree hill", the episode where kate voegele playing mia the singer performs onstage, and matthew watched her play and sing with undivided attention. after it was over, the audience onscreen started clapping, and matthew clapped too! he was laughing and clapping his little fat hands...it was the cutest thing. and i noticed that when ava is sleeping or just done crying, she looks like my baby pictures. her little pink nose especially... it looks like she might have mine afterall. thats ok, like the legendary Anne with an E, my nose is a rather nice appendage compared to some.
we have some rearranging to do because we've come into a bit of furniture all of a sudden. and i have to go sneeze. i am SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!

Just thinking...

Im thinking over the friends i have...and the people i dont get along with even though there is nothing particularly horrible about them. i have always known there are certain kinds of girls that just bug me...but i realized a short while ago a common trait in them all. i dont think this is the whole picture....its just a trait that is in a certain kind of person...but i dont know what kind. all i know is, i HATE when girls start talking about shopping. shopping is fun...but talking about it for two hours??? just blow my brains out please...thats kinder. i dont care where you got the shirt or what you paid girlfriend...it looks nice...take the compliment and SHUT UP!
this is not meant to be mean spirited...i would just rather have gouged my eyeballs out this past weekend than sit and listen to my mother and sister in law tell me about their shopping trips. over and over and........
is tha? my body....on the floor....twitching! oh dear! i died of a cruel overdose of mental torture. or i was wishing i would've. *wink*
now to all you shop talkers, i apologize for such strong descriptions of how much i hate it. talk away....but please PLEASE dont make me sit and listen. thank you ever so.

Its dark....

There is someone walking around in my house and its midnight. mmmyeah its me. im cleaning...when im not getting distracted by setting up mobile blogger. or attempting AGAIN.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

monday storms!

I still dont have the internet long enough in one block of time (or a strong enough connection I guess) to add pictures. I was trying.
today it is POURING down rain. its the first rain I have seen in about seven months! the wind is blowing things down and the poor little trees that the landscapers planted are getting blown to smithereans. haha. its kind of comforting though because it feels more like washington. the downside is, i wanted to go finish my christmas shopping today but the weather is so wet and making me feel so sleepy....

up and running

the computer is finally working so I am finally typing on a real keyboard again. I want to put up pictures really bad...my posts are always boring and colorless. I havent gotten any new pictures on the computer yet though so I'll have to work on that one. until then..hope everyone is enjoy their uh...well advent. haha.

You win some...you lose....

the inlaw visit is going well all things considered. Things would be better if his almost sixteen year old sister hadnt come. She just seems pissy about something....nobody knows what. She also is wearing at least one article of hubby's clothing at all times. Im not sure what i think about that situation...but i know how i feel. It feels creepy and it seems like wearing a guys clothing when he's married is one of the perks of being the wife. I guess thats not a general consensus though since his mother even asks him to give her clothes. I feel a bit like my position in my home is being ignored...but to keep peace im just biding my time. They leave tomorrow.
i did find a stocking stuffer for hubby...and for my mom, hubby is in charge of dads because he has access to cool stuff. :)
the visit isnt a catastrophe yet....but today i am not feeling well...the kids missed a nap and my female inlaws are a bit pushy...so im on a downer moment. I'll be good tomorrow though.

Beast of burden.

thats what i feel like. Im helping a friend pack up to go home for her hubby's deployment, doing airport runs, preparing for two separate family visits, dealing with babies...and now another friend wants a lift to the airport too...but thats gonna break me. I think im already doing too much but this would really overload the system. And i hate saying no so its gonna be hard to do but i need to. Right now im in the "deep breath" days just before the holiday plunge. I might drown....i aint gonna lie.

All you need.

6,602,224,175 people in the world.....and sometimes....some days...some hours....all you need is one.

church.

i miss church. I cant find a housechurch here...and the christians i talk to are so typical of the american traditional church. Its disheartening. They either tell me to speak health over my life or put alot of money on the offering plate to pay their wonderful pastor......its a sick feeling to know the truth and be surrounded by people who want to put you down for it and drag you into their pharisee-like traditions. Their little hedgelaws....laws that contradict the actual laws of God. I miss housechurch! And im glad that in a year and a half my little family gets to come back home. Because thats my extended family and ive realized i dont feel right anywhere else. I think God wants us there in the long run. Maybe thats my own agenda but its how I feel.

me oh my....

I decorated the crap out of my house. My kind husband went out and got me a tree, and ornaments, and lights, and garlands! And he sweetly didnt buy pink ornaments! (that was a special request of mine) he also declined buying the fake tree in white, which he wanted to do. Also my request. I hung up stockings, everything is twinkling and sparkling, and i love my very own tree. He also bought me a christmas cd because i practically cried when i opened my celine dion christmas album and the disk is missing!! I had to listen to avalon's christmas album...but contemperary chrismas is NOT my thing. I love the christmas mix he got me. Its great. Its got tony bennet and dean martin and eartha kitt. Thats my kind of christmas music. I think i just love christmas. :)

um....

i wanted to post something meaningful and interesting. But i realized there is no point to blogging if its not the barebones truth. Or the big fat truth. Out comes my vanity.
i cant stop thinking about my weight. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and i feel like hacking of bits of myself just to be skinnier. Im technically overweight and my clothes dont fit right. And i hate my reflection...and i hate to move because i can feel it. I started losing a bit till i got this new birth control put in and now i have gone up a few pounds and evened out. I cant go down. I feel panicky...i feel depressed..i feel a pain in my stomach when i think about it. Its not healthy for my frame and its not ME. I'm desperate. I cant have another kid...im too tired. but my weight makes me want to stop eating. I dont know what to do. And thats the truth. Right now i dont feel thankful.

stupid freaking (garbled obscenity)

i just spent the last hour trying to figure out mobile blogger and i had no luck. Whats worse is i dont know WHY i had no luck. Stupid blogger.com. anyways. I had a near brush with calamity when i thought my inlaws were trying to visit at the same time as my parents. Turned out to be evil scheming that hadnt reached my stepfather inlaw yet. Crisis averted. tomorrow i MUST clean and make a semi homemade pie. But the true test is the day after. Egads and im all on my own. I'm excited though. Its miss Ava's first set of holidays. And matthews first with his daddy. It should be pretty awesome.

Dkjfiwksdkd

haha i feel like the title. Scrambled. Braindead. But in a happy clueless sort of way. Dumb equals happy. i drank an energy drink, cuz I forgot i had tons of caffeine in an energy supplement earlier. So now its late and here I lay. WIDE AWAKE. I watched sleepy hollow tonight. That was cool. I like weird things like that. Now i must post before my phone wont let me anymore.

shorts

im having to keep these short because now im blogging on my phone. Basic update, im sick, im worn out, and i cant wait for christmas! i'll try to post this and see if the page expired on me.

watchfully wait for wisdom

I'm supposed to get my hair done today. and hubby and best bud are out running errands. she had a few things to do and no car, and he had things to do, (and a car) so I'm wondering when the hell they are getting home! I can wait for days for something, but when I expected it earlier than it comes, I become an unbearable whiner. I want things to happen on a schedule, I cant stand waiting past an allotted time, I hate for plans to change. (this explains my fury at the doctor who wouldnt give me a ballpark number on how long I would have to be in labor before I was ready to push baby girl out)

hubby left five hours ago, ran his errands, picked up girl bud, and took her to the social security office. she has to change her last name on her social security. I keep telling people, "Do it right when you get married!" DUH. I have been waiting to get my hair cut and colored for...uh....MONTHS. and I cant do it until they get home! I hate waiting. and who know that a messed up color job on your hair and four inches of fried ends could make EVERY day a bad day??? it seriously makes me doubt myself overall, not just my hair!

I just got done babysitting two kids overnight. two spoiled kids overnight. two unruly, unchecked, undisciplined spoiled kids overnight. LAST TIME. there was an eight month old who wasnt that bad, but he wanted to be held and babied and fed AT ALL TIMES, and I have a baby of my own who needs mommy once in awhile. the other child....well. she's two and a half. she is an angry, selfish, unkind kid. I didnt think kids had mean spirits....but she does. she pushes, hits, throws, steals......name it. we had to tie a string on the guest bedroom door handle, tie it to another doors hinge, and tie it TIGHT so that she would stay in the room for naptime and bedtime. there were a few times those few days that I really thought I (or she) wouldnt make it.

and thats the end of things I have to say I think. other than I'm depressed about my weight, but what else is new? and who wants to hear it...because its my fault/responsibility. which is even more depressing. hah.

death, destruction, the fall of man...and my heart is breaking

today is my twenty first birthday. and I have been crying for the past few days. someone really amazing died...I have been under a weight of sadness for my husband, who still struggles with the pain of his parents selfishness, and the country I love chose death for the unborn, punishment for the earnest and diligent worker, and contempt for true freedom. I am heartbroken.

what am I giving my children?? I feel like I was selfish to have them. I feel like I bore them into a time of sadness. I want to write down the introduction that Max Lucado wrote in my bible before the book of Jeremiah. It makes me cry every time I read it, and it sums up how I feel about America's church today, its failings, and its foolishness.


"No church would hire jeremiah. He wouldnt make it past the first interview. Better still, he wouldnt even make it to the interview.
he had little stomach for organized religion. One can hardly blame him. what he saw would nauseate the worst of us.
He saw raging immorality. He saw blatant idolatry. He saw unbridled hypocrisy. He saw priests who sold out to the highest bidder. he saw kings who lived out his worst nightmare.
Were his head a niagra, it wouldnt generate enough tears for him to weep. like Job, he cursed the day he was born, and again, you can hardly blame him. it was a rotten day in which to live.
He could see the writing on the Babylonian wall, but you'd think he was the only one who knew how to read.
in the end, the walls fell, just like he said. the temple was raided, just like he prophesied. and the people were bound like slaves and led into Babylon.
to his credit, he never said, "I told you so."
He remained behind and walked among the ruins and did what he did most of his life. He wept."


I feel like the Jeremiah of my age group sometimes. I'm the only one who believes there is NO time that it is ok to kill an unborn human. NO circumstance, NO medical emergency. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming that we are about to lose it all, and everyone around me is holding out their wrists joyfully to be bound.

I am scared for my children.

things are going by fast

my little boy just came to me with his little toy car, with a tire in one hand. he was crying, so I put the tire back on while he wailed. then he took the car and walked back to his toys. then he came back again just a second later with the tire off again and threw it in my lap...and I put it back on again. he is now back in the living room with his toys. he is only one and a half. my little baby boy knows to bring broken things to his mommy to fix. I hope he carries that feeling throughout his life...taking his broken things to his heavenly parent to fix. I know I'm not good at that. I just carry around broken things...thinking I can do it myself. but I'm just human...a clumsy baby human who cant fix spiritual and emotional things. if my toddler knows to bring things to the one who loves him and cares for him...how can I not know?


I didnt really get to exercise today because my neighbor came over with her two kids. she needs me to be her friend, but its sooo frustrating when it cuts into the time I need for my health and my peace of mind! (aka naptime) but she showed me some emails she found between her friend and her husband, where they were alluding to something physical they did together, (we dont know exactly what) and discussed the possibility of doing more. my poor friend is heartbroken and furious...but not secure enough to try to get him punished by his unit. cheating is against marine corps rules, if a wife complains, a husband can get punished FOR REAL. most wives dont know that around here. she is a hardworking mom of two and my heart breaks for her. I hope his heart changes soon!

all things old are not outdated

I was reading "pride and prejudice"....because Jane Austin is of course amazing, and the mother in the story is flitting around wailing that her youngest married daughter is moving far away, and wont be there to spend each day near her mother as a daughter should. that got me thinking.

I have been thinking about the future, thinking about what sort of house I want, what sort of nice things I want to have, and it makes me more and more depressed. pick up Ecclesiastes in the bible. I know exactly how Solomon feels. I keep thinking about what I'd like to have, and I keep buying things, and I am for sure THANKFUL for all the things we have now in this big beautiful house...but it feels meaningless sometimes because...I'll keep striving for more, for happiness, and then I'll die. it didn't feel right.



I want to move into my parents house when they get to the point where they could use help. I want to have the old fashioned family legacy. I want to help them and keep them safe until God wants them to go....I want to set that example for my kids, because I would love for them to care enough about me to want to care for me when I'm old. and how pleased I would be to have them come back to me, in the family house that my parents built, and take care of me, and let me have my grandchildren and great grandchildren around me! I want that for my parents, I want it for me, I want it for the whole family.

where did the old fashioned traditions go? and what in heaven's name was ever wrong with them in the first place???

I miss the country, and I love my parents home, I love my parents, I love their gardens that they and us kids have made together over the years in our different houses, I like Dad's motorcycle, I like the location they live in, I DEARLY MISS the housechurch I grew up in, I miss the piano I learned to play on....I want my kids to live in that house and show their kids pictures of their great grandparents building it.

what happened to family legacies? these days it seems the only legacy many parents leave behind are mistakes and emotional baggage and debt. I want so much more than that. and I think God wants more than that FOR me, and for my family, and for every one of his children.

and when I look toward THAT kind of future, I am not depressed. I'm SO excited for every second of it...I'm not scared of being old. I want to see my greatgrandchildren. and those who are afraid of age, and who dont care about those who come after them....they are missing the point. its not the stuff you get, although I think homes are important in families, but its about the family! every member born. I want to hug as many of them as I can before I die. thats what really matters, God, and the church family and real family he gave you.

looking for an answer

nope this isnt spiritual. its really rather vain and unimportant. but I must know.

I have been walking on the treadmill for a week or so, I did four days, skipped four days, got back on it today. I dont get much done with mike is home. as an aside, this is because he is gone so often that when he is home I find my body propelled to whatever room he is in. I sort of hover. its a little embarrassing actually. I have a mental block against doing my own thing when my husband is home. I get over it after he's been home a few days or a week or something...but I still have a hard time exercising when he's home. couldnt really say why. ANYWAYS. my question!

when I'm on the treadmill I wear sweats. its in my garage and I want to sweat. I go for about forty five minutes, while speedwalking. I pump my arms in different directions to songs I like, just for the extra bit of work for my heart. I go two or three miles depending on if I do an hour or forty five minutes, and it tells me I burn 3 or 4 hundred calories.

HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE I SEE SOME WEIGHT COME OFF???

I'm dying of a lack of motivation. I need a light at the end of the tunnel...it would make it infinitely easier. any one got an idea??

the colors in beautiful

this is the painting I did last night. can anyone tell me what flower it is? if you can then I know one of two things...or both. I painted it well, and you know something about flowers. :)

AND I'm back.

wow its been awhile. I had my parents here, that was amazing, then I had a friend here, that was fun but not the kind of thing I'd like to last forever. haha.

I've been trying really hard to get on the treadmill every day. look how well its going, the last time I was on was four days ago.

I finally got medication for migraines, it just disturbs me that on busy days I could take them every day!


on to more important things. I wrote two songs. and painted another painting. I did it all yesterday. hah probably because I took a slimquick pill and drank coffee at the same time...(its all caffeine) and then cleaned my whole downstairs...clean energizes my creativity...then I wrote and painted AND played video games. and took care of my kids! I amaze myself once in awhile. heres my songs.


(explanation: a song about doing whats right, and what happens to those around you when you do)

LET YOUR HEART BREAK
"make a choice, take a stand
find out who your friends are
pray, consider, weigh with care
so everyone can be critical

do you see that? they all disappear
do you feel that? now your alone
do you care?
should you care?

Isnt it painful? Isnt it lonely?
but no one likes being shown the mirror
dont feel hate for them
no, dont feel hate for them
let your heart break for them

you agonize, you toss and turn
think how to keep them near you
you know to try to please the world
is the worst thing you could do"

(explanation: my dad has a beautiful melody he made up and I wrote the things it made me think of when he plays it...with the fact that he's a grandparent in mind. the garden part is for my mom...but just enjoying the garden instead of actually gardening sounds more like daddy. haha all kidding aside, this is for my parents, and for the song dad wrote)

CHILD OF MY CHILD
"little flowers leap and dance
circle all around me
upturned faces, golden glance
my how fortune found me

how long I waited for you...

in my garden sweetness grows
the purest form there is
there is wisdom in a childs love
to teach why we exist

child of my child...

dance around me, little blooms
fill with light these empty rooms
let me hear your laughter
show me things that make you smile
walk with me a little while
lead me into the sun

child of my child..."

so thats that. picture of the painting later when I take it.

thursday thoughts

I wish I lived in a world where my beautiful accomplishments were more noteworthy than my vices. but I've learned people would rather dwell on the negative than on the positive. its very sad, but understandable...I do it myself. but I'm resolving to try to see good things before the bad. I will fail over and over again till I die, but I wont let that stop me from trying.
this started out as a therapy tool for me kind of, and I want to still use it that way, I need it. so I'm going to be writing a list of people who's negatives are glaring to me sometimes, and write positives instead. but I wont be using names because this isnt a private blog anymore.

1. he feels bad and tries to make amends the second he understands how he hurt someone. he's really fun and a good one for hugs.

2. she has dropped everything and bent over backwards to help me...and I shouldnt get so frustrated when she talks through movies. she's very organized.

3. he is a very hard worker, and is an organized person as well. he takes pride in his garage and keeps it very organized.

I should also do more to praise the talents and efforts of these people to their faces. typing things out on a blog only helps me, but it doesnt give people the affirmation they deserve.


my house is beautiful, I havent taken pictures yet but I will. I'm hoping to unpack first but I'm sure I wont get that done near fast enough. I dont have a coffee machine anymore and I feel sad not having a cup of coffee once in awhile...we also dont have our water tower over here yet and as for that, screw sad, I feel my body falling apart while I fight an infection I have with now water. it blows bigtime. I think I'm going to go drink some V8 juice for my health, and then some tea for my heart. tea makes me feel calm and happy...and I need that. in the past three days I've had a migraine come every day, go away when I sleep, come back the next day. I have been SOOOOO stressed. moving is bad enough, but when the only help you get is your girlfriend, and your husbands friends dont help, and you have three days to be out of the old house and have it cleaned out COMPLETELY spic and span....man. that was grueling. and the kids were real peachy through the trauma. hah.
anyways. off to drink my liquor...I mean liquids. haha.

pissy and stressed

moving and some other issues. the title says it all. its my fault because I'm still immature and selfish and not secure enough to be adult about ALL the aspects of my life. I'm aware of that. but it doesnt change the fact that I'm pissy and I dont fucking feel like writing anymore for now.

headachey

here is a better picture of that first painting. I got my digital camera working so the pictures are turning out better than the ones I took on my phone.



this picture here is the new one I just did. I dont know that I'm finished with it completely...we'll see how I feel once I've seen it around for awhile.


its a slow morning, we were up late night and I have a headache. my little man saw that the pack of diapers was right in front of the rocking chair and used it as a stepstool to get up and sit in the chair. he's done it a few times in the last few minutes, and every time he gets up there he looks pretty pleased with himself. right now he is standing in front of me with a plastic piece to an airsoft gun, and he thinks its a cellphone I guess cuz he keeps holding it up to his ear and talking into it.

two nights ago hubby and I went to a san diego Padre's game. someone in his unit didnt pick up their tickets from some other guy in the unit, so hubby spoke up and said he wanted them and we got our neighbor to babysit and we went to a baseball game. :) my hubby doesnt even care of baseball but we had a REALLY good time. I was really excited when he told me he had tickets because around here there isnt much to do...we usually go to a movie or out to eat for dates, but in a movie you dont talk much with each other, and dinner....well....I'm married to a marine. he wolfs down his food and then looks bored until I'm done eating. its not a great method of bonding for us. it was way more fun to get ballpark hotdogs and nachos and coke, sit way up in the cheapo section, people watch....cheer when the padres made any of their whole four points...(the other team won with nine) it was fun. hubby ran into quite a few marines he knew, plus he saw a guy he thought he knew...went up and talked to him, and figured out he went to highschool with the guy back in oregon. this guy joined the navy. it was a really fun night.

the little guy is reading a book to himself, right by where his daddy is passed out on the floor, (its a hot day) and baby sister is a few feet away from them playing with a toy. and by playing with I mean eating. they all look pretty cute.

new things

I went out last night with heather to go to the mall. but it was seven, and everything but macy's was closed! on a saturday night. so then we went to two places that are open WAY later, and places better worth the stop I think. first we went to michaels and she got sketch stuff, her preferred medium, and I got canvas, some new brushes, and one of those palette things to mix my paints on. I think I used to have one but this one has little cuppies in it, its not just flat which is helpful. I am now in the middle of a new painting. anyways then we went to barnes and noble and I walked around the seventy five percent off tables and got myself three books I've never heard of before. which brings me to what I really wanted to write about.

the book I started reminds me ALOT of someone I know, and stories she has told of her mother. the girl in this book feels her mother is a little crazy. her mother is catholic, and went a bit off the deep end when her father died when she was young. she sunk half a bathtub into the ground and left the faucet end up so that she could stick a statue of mary inside it and make a grotto. I believe thats what its called.
this daughter has not been home to see her mother in seven years, because everything feels to frustrating and painful....and in the story when she goes back home she is standing in her mothers kitchen looking at BEIGE everything. she states that her mother didnt believe in color on the inside of a house...she said her mothers life was drained of any color and feeling, all that was left was religious rituals and hail marys ...and her home reflected the drabness.
in the beginning of the story she travels home because she gets a call that her mother calmly and purposely chopped off her own index finger...and when the daughter finds her mother upon coming home, she is outside at the base of a statue of a saint, burying her finger in the dirt.
maybe the person I am thinking of will wonder who she is because I have it wrong and this isnt at all like her mother. like I said I have just heard stories, but if you know who you are, every sentence I read in this book reminds me of you!

morning post

I'm listening to a gothic female fronted rock group called "within temptation". the song says "stand my ground, I wont give in...no more denying..I gotta face it. wont close my eyes and hide the truth inside.." I dont know what area in my life that makes me feel strong about, but it makes me feel strong about SOMETHING just the same.

I didnt exercise much yesterday like I was supposed to. I played some Dance Dance Revolution which is constant movement, but I only played for about ten minutes. my problem is that my workouts are CARDIO! how in the world do I go out and walk and jog with two children, and how in my postage stamp of a living room do I walk and jog for thirty minutes and still feel the least bit motivated??

if you are a mother you have got to go buy the Plumb cd "blink". every song is written about her children, and purposefully meant to parallel God's parent love. they are the most beautiful lullabyes written straight from the heart of a mother of two small children. just about every song makes me want to cry. (Dad dont tell mom I'm writing this and dont tell her about the cd. I have something up my sleeve with it. shh!)

I feel desperate for color. for gardens, flowers...trees! oh god oh god I want tall trees! I bought myself a cyclamen plant but I dont know if I'll be able to keep it alive. my geraniums are thriving but I can only see them from a select spot in the house because of how tiny both my house and porch are, and how few windows I have. and I dont have any good lawn furniture with an umbrella or something to create a nice place to sit out with my flowers. and I love hot drinks outdoors! its so muggy and hot here right now...I just want to drink some tea and see some clouds without it feeling like the air is thick and wet at the same time. its making me cranky. either that or its my baby girl screaming in her swing. sometimes she just goes forever and I dont know what to do for her! I fed her three times this morning before I even got out of bed for good....I changed her diaper...she is just clingy. I need a moment of clarity once in awhile...three seconds without my arms full of SOMETHING.

I miss playing pool with Bet and Anna. I miss the fancy dinners my mom makes on tuesday night....I'm feeling a little homesick and dissatisfied. mostly because we are moving in two and half weeks and ever day it feels like I get even more bogged down in the mess and disorganization around here...the walls seem to close in on me. as the boy gets bigger his world expands and this house isnt big enough for his messes and exploration..and baby girl's swing takes up a bunch of space....in order to make room I'd have to start tossing my bookshelves and my books and just because I dont have time to read them now doesnt mean I dont want them for my family later! and now I'm rambling so I figure I'm out of important things to say.

Self

I was asked what workout plan I'm doing. I'm embarrassed to answer. heh. ok so hubby went out for a few groceries...as in he wanted hot wings that you put in your oven, and I told him to get me a magazine. I hate to admit but magazines is where I show my shallow pink streaks. I love looking at clothes and hairstyles and makeup. well he picked up Self magazine which I had never thought to get, and it had four different "reach your goal" workout plans. one of them is working up to being able to run three miles easily. I know to some people *coughtmyhusbandcough* think that is a piece of cake and laugh at me, I cant run more than a minute at a time. another workout is to help take off some baby weight. thats the one I'm doing, and I saved the magazine because there are recipes for healthy food, and different mini workouts tat tone certain things if I choose to do them. I'm not a health fanatic, I'm NOT a workout fanatic. I am a couch potato, and nothing I do every day gets any blood pumping in my system, and I'm gaining the babyweight I lost back.....I feel sluggish all day...I feel depressed and unhealthy. so this is my attempt to get on a schedule and become a happier healthier person.

today is grocery shopping day. eck. I dont want to. the commissary is my nemisis. its so crowded and exhausting, and they dont sell in bulk so its a real pain to try to stock up on things. I have to get the babies their naps, feed them their lunch, and get out of here so I can have them back down for their afternoon nap by four. its gonna be a pain. in the meantime I need to find something to eat for breakfast because I'm losing my energy by starving to death!

my babies

I'm watching my little man play with his little driver toy. its got a steering wheel, a key in its ignition, it plays music and has little buttons and gadgets. he looks so chubby all hunched over it, playing with the shifter. it makes a squealing noise like your slamming on your brakes. baby girl is on her tummy watching him, right at his feet. in fact she just reached out and grabbed his toes. she grins at him alot....for some reason he really amuses her. he hasnt been giving me kisses lately, he's been too busy playing. he's in hypergrowth mode I think because it just feels like he's all over the place.

baby girl is teething I think because I try to nurse her and she cries and cries and bites her fingers. she's happier now that I gave her some tylenol.

I complain alot about my husband and about my life. I feel terrible about that. I also wish he would grow up sometimes...but I feel like a piece of crap when I see him trying sooo hard. he wants to be mature and he wants me to think he's a good husband and a good father. he really is. he's human and he acts 20 alot. but I'm 20 too, and if I stood outside of myself I might see more immaturity than I thought I had. that scares me a little. how embarrassing it would be if he shone that spotlight on me the way I tend to do on him. he's a good guy and I really respect him and I'm happier with my life than I feel on the surface. day to day i feel sluggish and cranky and I bitch and moan. its my own fault.....I dont exercise enough and I dont pay more attention to what I eat or how down i let myself get.

just another thing on my "to work on" list.

new week

I started on a four week long exercise plan that tells you what to do down to the details every time you do it. we'll see how i do. winging it on my own has never worked so i thought it was time to try a different tack. considering i'm gaining the baby weight i had lost BACK!
today is exercise B. day before yesterday i did exercise A. and i'm STILL sore. I'm so out of shape its sad.....

final picture

picked up the brushes again.

I finally painted for the first time in over a year. I dont know if its wrong to paint something a photographer got paid to submit to a magazine...but my best paintings come from pictures I see.

I got half of it done before I thought to take pictures.

I tried to send the picture of the finished painting to my email but for some reason its not showing up in my inbox yet, so here is everything leading up to it.

I'm so excited to have a big focal point piece to hang up in my new house when I get there. its easier to keep a nice house when you start out with organization and the right decorations. I like to take one big piece and build a theme of colors and textures around it.

anyways the painting took me about six hours all together, and of course it kept me up into the night because I cant paint with the babies around. but it was one of those times when I just felt like I had to paint and I picked up the stuff and just did it. and those are the times when it turns out beautifully after a year and a half of failed attempts. I feel really excited to know I still am me. since I had my little guy I was starting to wonder if I had even a speck of talent left. none of this is tooting my own horn. different people have different abilities and mine was always in anything that had to do with art or music or anything that took imagination and creation....but it all takes creative energy...and I lost mine. I probably wont see any of it again for quite awhile but it was nice to get a visit tonight.

anyways, a few stages of my painting below. its huge too, a little over a foot across, and prolly two feet tall, maybe a bit over. I'll put up the picture of the finished painting as soon as my email lets me have it!

you jump, I jump jack.

I made the best pot roast last night. yesterday had the potential to be perfect. I put the kids down at eleven, watched my show with heather, went on a walk with heather and her sister, even jogged for a minute. (literally). then I came in and cleaned my trashed kitchen, and in the middle of the kitchen I just up and got out the crock pot, cut up potatoes and vegetables and fresh garlic and onion, stuck the roast in, seasoned it......turned it on high because it was one oclock. then I finished the kitchen, did laundry, cleaned and vacuumed the living room, unloaded the dishwasher twice...I had it all together! and Mike didnt get to come home till one in the morning. the roast is in the fridge, he hasnt tasted it yet. :( I'm bummed. it was amazing when it was first done. I'm not sure it'll be so good reheated.

today I tried to teach matthew to jump up and down when he's dancing to music, and he cant do it! he sure tries, which is really cute, but he gets so frustrated cuz he cant really get off the ground. hes being quite the stinker today too. into everything, but he does it all with a smile so its hard to be mad at him. he's just so excited about life. what must it be like to have everything be a new discovery....and to not have to work! haha. he just plays all day. except I do exile him to his bed for a total of four hours every day.

nothing to report, sir.

I have nothing to write about. I feel crappy all the time. I really need to get my neck looked at. I'm dying to move now. we are bursting at the seams here.
its saturday freaking night. hubby went out to get redbull like two hours ago. I cant figure out where he is. heather and roger went to pick up heathers sister and brother from the airport. so no fun will start for another hour prollly. :( I'm soooo bored. I'm tired, but its a weekend, the babies are asleep...its such a shame to waste it!

housing update

we are moving on september eight to our new housing area...its like a 2000 square foot house. I'm pretty danged excited. it has a bathroom attached to the master bedroom. that to me is like, the adult perk. only the adults of the house get a master bedroom with an attached bathroom. its pretty cool. I saw the outside of it, it has a big front yard. I dont know yet if it has an enclosed porch or anything where my little man can play but I'll find out. its a little scary, the front yard is right on the road so I'll have to watch him carefully and dole out spankins each time he so much as touches the pavement till he gets the point.
I'm really excited! but I'll miss living right next door to heather. :(

eeeee!

I'm nervous and excited and sad. we are moving really soon. I'm not sure when but they have hubby filling out papers today so its gotta be soon!

found one!

found a BLIP of an intellectual moment. it wasnt huge. it was just a blip, a realization that there is more to explore for me. I was listening to the rebecca st. james song "lion". she says "it feels just like i'm living in the lions mouth...but the lion is an angel."
I took a moment to think of the image it gave me of God as a lion, and the fear of living right near the teeth, but knowing that he would fight FOR me not against me. I had never given three seconds to the lion, protector God. I'm fed up with the wishy washy one, and I feel at odds with the forgiving one, but the lion who stands in front of me in my battles.......that one hadnt even crossed my mind. all these things were just images and feelings in my head, so I know I'm not writing them the way I felt them. I'm doing my best to put it all down here.......but I realized that I liked the image of the warrior the best. it made me feel the best. I know God isnt all about how we feel. but I feel pretty crappy about my relationship with God most of the time, so it was nice to suddenly have these amazing good thoughts and feelings racing around in my head. it made me feel stronger, less afraid.....and it even helped me to skip past the "how can God forgive me" feeling. I'm trying to paint an image. the words "God forgave me" are layered directly behind the lion standing with me to protect me. they are behind it because to see my hero who hauls me through this lifes battles, I have to already know that he forgives me for letting him down over and over and over again.
all that from a split second feeling that got left in the dust when my kid threw his orange slices on the floor.

I was watching my guilty pleasure show "one tree hill" today...it was an entire episode about a kid who felt invisible, walking to school with a gun and holding a whole bunch of the main characters and some smaller characters hostage. it made me really sad. it brought up a few thoughts I've pondered on...
kids can be cruel...and parents need to pay more attention to how their kids treat people.
parents need to pay attention to their child who isnt liked, and teach them why jesus died in the first place
and now my final thought, I really think teachers and principles should be certified to carry a handgun on their person. if a student knows that in every room of the school there is an adult with a weapon who knows how to use it, he'll think twice before picking up a gun and waving it around.
OR....maybe THIS is my final thought. homeschool your freaking kids people.

I made chili, and I cut up garlic and now my hands smell like it. ew.

empty

I am deeply frustrated that I have nothing of value to write. I have no spiritual insights. I have no revelations I discovered while reading the bible. if I can make it through a chapter and process what it is trying to say amidts the babys crying and the phone ringing....its a miracle. and I'm really frustrated about it.
I browse around and read peoples blogs...they all have some interesting verse or thing they are reading in a book by a man who spoke old english when old english was just plain english. and I cant wrap my tired brain around anything they are blogging about. it makes me want to cry. and it makes me want to laugh when I realize I used to be "intellectual" "cerebral"....a thinker. I used to muse over the logic of things. I used to read deep books. or at least books that were so wordy and old that they were hard to read. I do nothing of the sort now. I barely made it through a page in the cookbook tonight. oh...where I was going with how it makes me laugh. it makes me laugh because Bill Cosby said him and his wife were intellectuals before they had children. its so freakin hilarious that its NOT.
all I do is babble about the same housework and cooking and baby stuff EVERY EFFING DAY. or my big news is that I got my nails done! woopdee doo. thats real deep. psht. I started this blog feeling sad and frustrated and now I'm just plain pissy. and my teeth need to be brushed and its bugging the snot out of me. bleck.

funny thing today (here I go again). baby boy was dancing to the end credits of "the jungle book"....and we were laughing at him, and he turned to face me, rolled one eye up back into his head like he was spazzing out, smiled all crooked, and rocked back and forth from foot to foot. and then waited to see if he could get a reaction. I literally fell off the couch laughing. at three months old I knew he was destined to be a raging musical talent. today, at seventeen months old, I know my son is a PERFORMER. he was born to be on the stage, in the spotlight, with the music up so loud it makes ears bleed. thats the way he likes it.

bangs and stuff

heather and I sort of got a day out. we got our nails done, got starbucks, I got a haircut...it was pretty good. until we realized that when we were done with that we had grocery shopping to do in a crowded commissary. so we technically didnt get to just enjoy our day out, we got duped. and we were cranky by the end of it. ah well. its not so bad. I love my nails being done, and having two inches off my hair, new layers and bangs, it all feels way healthier and puts me in a better mood. I used to have a bad hair day every single day. it was dry and matted and I couldnt get a brush through cuz the ends were so nasty. it was realllly depressing.

today I made carrot cake! wish you were here dad. it felt weird making it. I honestly felt like I shouldnt make it unless dad could come have some because my WHOLE life, that has been the "special" cake that only got made for dad. :) I havent tasted it yet, I'm letting the frosting harden on it a bit....but it smells amazing.

I also bought ingredients to make biscotti and chicken pot pie........oh! and guacamole. mmmm. I'm all of a sudden in the mood to bake. which means I must be moving past the "just had a baby zone" and I am slowly getting back to normal! yay!

I bought TONS of fruit. I bought some blueberries because I hear tons of good things about them and I'm nibbling on them little by little every day. my little man is really loving all the fruit. he's in his highchair having a "shammitch" and some orange.

baby girl is very very cranky today...I think her teeth hurt. but I bought her some tylenol. and when all failed and she wouldnt shut up, she got to go watch the teddy bears twirl in her bassinet. :)

spider bites!!

a spider bit me two nights ago, I noticed it yesterday morning. two bites on the inside of my wrist. its getting worse! they are way swollen today because I itched them, and my hand aches a little and tingles. weird thing is, hubby had the same thing happen to him a few weeks ago! spider bites on the wrist, in the middle of the night. and he said his hands hurt and then went numb and then he was fine the next day. excuse me for a second while I take a departure and say WTF????

I've had a thought lately. its strange how you think you know how you want to be when you grow up, so you work on it, you practice, you get comfortable with the results, then you marry and your spouse wants the opposite personality and habits you just worked to cultivate. I want to be fun and relational, I want to set aside housecleaning to play with my babies and to spend time with my hubby. I worked really hard to balance that. thats not what he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he wants me to work my butt off keeping things meticulously clean and get dinner made and not pay attention to him. I'm so not that kind of person! this is going to be hard............

I heart books

I bought a good book yesterday. its called "sundays at Tiffany's" I think its by James Patterson or something like that. I already read the whole thing...it wasnt near long enough. I need to look in the book at the print next time I buy one. actually, I need to start going to the library. anyways it was a great book...a little worldly in some aspects but still a sweet story with a happy ending...thats the kind I like.

heather helped me clean my downstairs...bless her. my dear husband told me I do nothing all day. *guilty face as I continue to blog* and heather says she sees me working so she's mad that he said that to me...so she helped me clean up. the carpet looks sooo much better now that I got the housing office to shampoo it. perks of being in the military. there should at least be a few right?

I also bought myself two pairs of earrings. they are irritating my ears a bit...but I'm powering through it. I really want to stop feeling fat and dumpy and old.

you know whats killer about being a mommy? they always need something. there isnt more than a few seconds at a time that they arent crying to be held, hungry, wearing a dirty diaper, tearing into my stuff and making a mess...spitting up....spilling their drink...and more crying. between all of that I can barely get anything done. and so it appears that I do nothing!! this morning i ate my breakfast while my daughter laid on the living room floor SCREAMING. I mean convulsing, red faced, snotty and wet, SCREAMING. I dont know what she wanted. I picked her up and she stopped. so I guess thats what she wanted but to scream like that for it baffles me. and I had just been holding her. it wasnt enough I guess. so I had to hurry up and eat. she was quiet in her swing for about half of my unloading the dishwasher....then I had to rush through the rest to go make her stop. my son decided to climb behind the rocking chair and get himself stuck......roughly SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES THIS MORNING. and he didnt take it with a sense of humor either...oh no. he was mad. and screaming. and snotty. and hitting me and everything else he could reach when he was dragged out from being stuck. needless to say both babies were fed quickly and banished to their rooms before I got to the "off with their heads!" point.

my latest music obsession is typing in "katy perry" in the "make a station" bar at pandora.com....I love the music it plays. right now its a song by a group of girls called "uh huh her". weird huh? I think so too. but I love the music.

STILL need to grocery shopping....damnit......

guitar hero

so we bought guitar hero, and I suck. I'm learning quickly though. I also finished the zelda game...er...with Mike killing the main bad-ie though....haha. my little man took a bath this morning...pooped in it and threw it all out onto the bathroom floor......yuck. now he's napping. yay!

hubby bought batteries for the swing too, so baby girl is swinging away happily. its a nice sunny day. I gotta go drink my water....sadllllyyyyy dehydrated.

why do I always talk about the weather?

I always want to start off with the weather...maybe it keeps me from my old habit of spilling every personal detail onto my blog. the weather is windy and cold. and its irritating!

I have been playing the old nintendo sixty four game "zelda" on my computer. I never played it back when it was popular. I'm so behind....ah well. I'm not very good at it, it takes alot of thinking...its mazes and killing villains and getting all kinds of gadgets that you have to use in confusing situations, following clues.....I totally use a walkthrough to tell me where to go. and I make my hubby kill the bosses for me. I'm no good under pressure.

hubby's gunny seargant gave us some little kiddie couches, one pooh bear, one thomas the tank engine. they fold out into little beds too. they are sooo cute. my boy picked the blue tank engine one for his...and he runs for it when a cartoon comes on. he likes that its just his size.

my brother called me today for two hours...he never used to do that but nowadays he's all girl-confused and I think he wants someone to tell him what to do. as long as its not his parents because that would be embarrassing! *sarcasm* now that I've talked to the girl in question he's pelting me with questions. I get the feeling he wants a reason to break up with her, or he wants a shining plaque that says she's perfect and that will make all of his frustrations go away. it sucks that life isnt that simple.

my baby girl is on my lap watching me type. she's all wrapped in a pink blankie. with the wind being so chilly lately I'm afraid I've neglected her comfort....her little toes get cold. her legs too. she wants to be cozy and I keep forgetting that just because this is california doesnt mean she'll stay warm!

I'm hungry.....I dont know what to eat. its one of those long pay periods where its two weeks PLUS three days till the next paycheck....those ones KILL us. we are almost out of everything and this is the time when you start putting weird things together and getting really creative with your meals.

last night I boiled a chicken skeleton left over from a roasted chicken we had, and made a weird soup. it didnt taste great because of the peas I put in it, but the broth and the carrots and potatoes were really good. and it filled us up which was the point.

my boy is sleeping....too bad that doesnt last near long enough. hah!

update

I've let alot of time go by since my last post....hubby is on leave for a few weeks and we are trying to enjoy it.
I got hair dye stuff today, the wonderfull professional kind that I love...I cant do it for a few more weeks though. not till my hair has grown out a full inch since the last dye. :( I have three quarters of an inch. I have to wait like three more weeks then. sad.
I had a personal triumph today. some people who I dislike, but are related to someone I love very much finally came out and showed their ugliness that I always protested was there. I love when I stop looking like the bad guy! babies are sleeping right now because we were out shopping today and they didnt get a nap. to bed early I say! but not for me. I want to do something!
I talked to the neighbors for the first time and I'm hoping they hang out tonight, or tomorrow night but thats iffy cuz its the fourth of july....

mess makers

my babies are both about to conk out and have themselves some naps. my son is holding a teddy bear and dancing to the music I have on. the louder I play it the more tired he behaves.
I havent written because we are out of water (WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO DELIVER MORE!!!) and I havent been feeling good....the heat is unbearable. also my neck is giving me trouble.
I'm struggling through alot of anger right now at some extended family members...(lets just say they arent MY extended family) and its up and down. I'll do good and then I'll dip down and because unbearably furious again to the point where my stomach hurts and my daughter cries when I try to nurse her. I just clench up and get so livid sometimes. I'm really working on getting out. my babies definitely help. they exhaust me probably actually add the extra stress that sends me over the edge....but their little smiles and hugs and kisses definitely are rewarding.
the house is still really messy. its not bad bad, its just that the kitchen floor is ATROCIOUS ( I have a one year old in a high chair, dont judge me) and the living room floor could certainly stand a vacuum....the babies room is littered with toys and my room has some pillows on the floor and some clothes and the bed needs to be made. when hubby is gone I wake up with blankets the way I left them....with him home we wake up in a tangled mess. :) he's a crazy sleeper.
last night hubby and I played one of our favorite computer games, age of empires, on our laptops. I got in bed because thats more comfortable, and he sat at the desk. it was actually really fun and I know he was happy to have me do something with him that he enjoys. and its definitely more fun than the arguing we have done a bit in the past week or so. I really think we are relearning how to live together...which is EXACTLY what I told a few certain people who think they need to invade our home asap....but they dont care about my family and my marriage. just a bit of my frustrations that make me angry and i'm not going to write anymore about it because I can feel my frustration coming back and I am doing so well today.
I'm off to put my little man to bed, and nurse the baby and put her to bed as well

windchimes

today is a lazy day. the wind is blowing through my windchimes and it sounds really pretty. baby girl is rolling around on the floor and being pretty cute. the boy is asleep upstairs, one of hubbies buddies is on the couch and the other is in the kitchen with him messing around on computers. we have three laptops in the house right now. its pretty cool actually because hubby and I both like to be on the computer and now we can be on our laptops at the same time.
anyways nothing going on today obviously. actually around here there rarely ever is anything going on. I need to take a break here and use the head. I drank two glasses of water and a redbull!

too hot to function

yesterday was the first day of summer and MAN has it hit. its so hot everyone feels like CRAP.
hubby hit a personal record last night with tequila. THIRTY FOUR shots. he hit a point in the night and that was the end of his conciousness. crazy.

nothing much to write today except that its really really hot. and tonight is gonna be crazy too. yessss.......

laundry day

so yesterday I cleaned the whole house. bathrooms, floors, organizing and everything. by the time I was done I was too tired to do the one thing i had left: laundry.
I have just switched six loads over into four dryers. its gonna be alot of folding here in a half hour or so!!
tonight is going to be another party, PLEASE GOD without the hooking up and craziness. i'm sure it will be fine though because the girls arent going to be there this time. or any other time I have guys in my home. I've made that command decision for sure.
I have a roast in the crock pot and it smells amazing. its over five pounds! I had to trim the sides into a few pieces to get it in the pot. that was difficult considering it was frozen on the inside.
I definitely pushed myself too far yesterday...but I am very glad to have a clean house. by the time hubby got home my feet and ankles were hurting really bad...and I was feeling pretty cranky and I'm ashamed to say pretty sorry for myself. we wound up in a huge argument because I wasnt in any shape to handle ANY emotional disturbances, real or perceived. It ended ok though...which is what I love about my life. I know there is always going to be a happy ending.
the wind here is hotter than hell! I go out to the laundry room and the hot wind whips by me and its just ridiculous weather! its sticky and hot and no relief at all. thats how life is living closer to the equater.

why do all good things come to and end?

I'm stopping in the middle of room cleanup. by cleanup I mean bulldoze! what a mess! its really a lovely day, its been in the back of my mind all morning.
I got to talk to my bestest friend the other night and its been awhile for that, it really has. almost a month.
this morning my husband walked off without his phone, and his buddies have been surprised when I answer it.
today is cleaning the upstairs day. the bathroom, our bedroom and the babies room are all pretty awful and the floors need vacuuming. the downstairs isnt great either but I keep cleaning that and not the upstairs so things just get worse and worse on the second floor because I only have energy enough for one floor! I started a cleaning system up here, I put everything out of place on the bed after I made it, then I put it all away from where it sits on the bed. for some reason that encourages me to keep going, I guess its because I can see the clean floor right away. but I really ought to get to the pile on the bed. the music on the laptop, and the laptop itself keep enticing me to sit and type and be intellectual today. I think its the sunshine, and the way it comes in the window just the right way to bathe my whole room. I wish my bed was cleared off so I could lay on my down comforter all white and clean and imagine i'm in the bahama's and pretend I'm one of those poetic looking beauties in music videos.
I miss my husband. I know he's just at work, but he's really fun to be around and he was gone for so many months recently...I miss him now when he walks out the door.
i'm so glad the babies are sleeping right now.....