morning post

I'm listening to a gothic female fronted rock group called "within temptation". the song says "stand my ground, I wont give in...no more denying..I gotta face it. wont close my eyes and hide the truth inside.." I dont know what area in my life that makes me feel strong about, but it makes me feel strong about SOMETHING just the same.

I didnt exercise much yesterday like I was supposed to. I played some Dance Dance Revolution which is constant movement, but I only played for about ten minutes. my problem is that my workouts are CARDIO! how in the world do I go out and walk and jog with two children, and how in my postage stamp of a living room do I walk and jog for thirty minutes and still feel the least bit motivated??

if you are a mother you have got to go buy the Plumb cd "blink". every song is written about her children, and purposefully meant to parallel God's parent love. they are the most beautiful lullabyes written straight from the heart of a mother of two small children. just about every song makes me want to cry. (Dad dont tell mom I'm writing this and dont tell her about the cd. I have something up my sleeve with it. shh!)

I feel desperate for color. for gardens, flowers...trees! oh god oh god I want tall trees! I bought myself a cyclamen plant but I dont know if I'll be able to keep it alive. my geraniums are thriving but I can only see them from a select spot in the house because of how tiny both my house and porch are, and how few windows I have. and I dont have any good lawn furniture with an umbrella or something to create a nice place to sit out with my flowers. and I love hot drinks outdoors! its so muggy and hot here right now...I just want to drink some tea and see some clouds without it feeling like the air is thick and wet at the same time. its making me cranky. either that or its my baby girl screaming in her swing. sometimes she just goes forever and I dont know what to do for her! I fed her three times this morning before I even got out of bed for good....I changed her diaper...she is just clingy. I need a moment of clarity once in awhile...three seconds without my arms full of SOMETHING.

I miss playing pool with Bet and Anna. I miss the fancy dinners my mom makes on tuesday night....I'm feeling a little homesick and dissatisfied. mostly because we are moving in two and half weeks and ever day it feels like I get even more bogged down in the mess and disorganization around here...the walls seem to close in on me. as the boy gets bigger his world expands and this house isnt big enough for his messes and exploration..and baby girl's swing takes up a bunch of space....in order to make room I'd have to start tossing my bookshelves and my books and just because I dont have time to read them now doesnt mean I dont want them for my family later! and now I'm rambling so I figure I'm out of important things to say.